My lungs felt full of water - aching and burning and ready to explode. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t scream, and then I felt … nothing. Oddly enough I could see everything. I saw Pallas and I … saw myself. I think we were dead. No, I am sure we were dead. Both of us slumped over in the water, motionless and with my hair splayed all about us … just floating delicately around two drowned rats in the relaxation room waters of the guild hall. 'Well this is real great' is what I remember having thought, as I looked down on us with a frown. Wasn’t he supposed to be holding onto me and looking out? Why did we risk it? People should NOT fall asleep in water. OH! and poor Sash and Shade - and everyone else; I was pretty they sure were not going to be really happy to have to clean this new mess up! Why did I let Pallas drink my relaxing healing tea anyways? He must have been sore and in pain, he usually wont touch the stuff. Hhmmm ... Daft, daft, daft! At least Sash has a really big broom (and im hoping a big net) but where would he dispose of the bodies I wonder ... ?!

Yes - we had sore muscles and it really does help alot with pain and such but were sore muscles worth risking drowning over?? I guess we thought so! Wait - I was confused and could feel myself scrunching my own nose. Weird …? I looked down at my hands they were pale and wrinkled from too much water. I touched them to my face and they felt squishy. What is all this? Was I some kind of entity now? Why could I even see us in the water yet be here?? And more importantly - where the heck was Pallas??? I moaned, or wailed ... some strange sound ... I am not quite sure. I just know I was annoyed I was standing there alone.

I woke up then at that very moment - with that though still in my head and I slowly looked around the room and then down at myself. I was wrapped in warm towels and mostly dry, lying down as I then realized, comfortably on a reclined lounge chair in the guild hall and Pallas was sleeping soundly on a reclined lounge chair beside me. After it sank in that we were both totally alive and I had obviously been dreaming I sighed loudly and just shook my head, watching Pallas and debating pinching him awake to tell him what happened. But I didn’t. Poor guy could use the sleep after all the putting up with me he does anyways. Okay, so I guess at some time after we fell asleep he woke and got us out of the water and onto the comfortable chairs around the pool though I’ve no recollection of that what-so-ever. maybe he can shed some light...

I examined my hands - they weren’t at all water logged but smooth and dry and my hair was mostly dry and a bit mussed about, so it had to have been marcs ago that he woke. How can I not smile and love this guy? Now I am giggling - I hope that doesn’t wake him. I’ve my knees pulled to my chest and my journal resting on them as I write and sip some jasmine tea. It is beautiful out – at least I am sure it is. I can hear below bird songs and feel the warmth of the sunrifter rays without even seeing it yet. Though, mind you, that could just be the love in my heart.

*smiles again at the sleeping Pallas*

I am just happy we are not dead!

I feel better I think today then I did last night … maybe later I won’t actually hinder Pallas’ training in some way - when he finally wakes and is up for some running about. He tells me that he really liked what I wrote for him the other day … I hope he wasn’t just saying that. I know he loves me and is always honest with me, and I dont know why but sometimes I think he is being 'extra' nice and stuff ... just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings because we all know I am just too emotional at times and so maybe he says what I want to hear and not what he means? I hope that’s not the case … Now I am just being silly … Silly Elly ...

And randomly, now that I think more about the dream ... Im pretty sure I saw a keg with the name 'Kias' etched into it in the water, on the other end of the pool. Maybe Kias was having a nightmare about his lost keg while I was dreaming Pallas and I were dead and they somehow overlaped?? Not bloodly likely but I'll just have to ask anyways! Maybe they got into a lovers quarrel? snickers

I am tired now so I am going back to sleep - if I can, and hopefully I’ll dream of nicer things and wake up feeling refreshed. But first, I can not resist kissing Pallas on his scruffy cheek …

Peace and love,
Ellyana

I’ve been writing a lot today – more designing and I am quite excited. I am feeling much better then I have since my little accident. Even had one today already, can you believe it?? after I snuck in a swim *giggles* at the beach below where Pallas and I had rested, I went back to the hall to sit on the swing and write a bit. Don’t ask how or why please - but Lucy and I were in the uupper part of the hall and we tripped right into the hot tub at the hall!! Not right at the same time, which makes it funnier even, but pretty close!! Good thing we didn’t hit our heads or Kel and Pallas might have been pretty bummed out to find their significant others drowned in their very own home. Sorry love … I am okay, really!

I’ve also written something else. It is for Pallas and at first I thought I’d sent it privately to him on a scented parchment but I see no reason to hide my feelings. Everyone knows them well enough by now anyways. Sometimes I get shy - especially about some personal feelings but now when I look at what I wrote I smile and think it is not something I need to be shy about. Maybe I am just having an odd day – who knows.

Last night something odd happened. I got word of it and it made me very uneasy and uncomfortable and I can only pray to the Gods we trust that it is delt with in some way and very soon. I knew I was right to feel the bad vives as I had mentioned previously, regarding something that had been going on, and when I got wind of what happened this past moon that pretty much sealed the deal for me. I know I am safe though, and need not worry, with Pallas’ hand in mine as he stands by my side.

I am a walking accident. Plain and simple, and sometimes a sitting one, too! I have no idea how Pallas puts up with me really, but he does, and he always knows just what to do – and I never doubt that. Last night in a moment of stupidity, he proved to be no different.

*reads a bunch of scrolls sent to tease her and make sure she is alright and laughs*

Okay - as many of you know by now, last night I ended up at the Killi Life monument. Happens often enough these days when I am in Old Dundee with Pallas. The air in Old Dundee makes me feel disconnected from my body, and as a result, my mind is distracted and wonders all over - and the horrors are just too tough for me to beat down when I can not fully concentrate. It is as if something there is trying intentionally to take my mind away from what I need to be doing – and unfortunately at times, is successful! I forgot to heal and the next thing I know I am waking at the LM and I’m very dizzy and groggy -seeing double, the usual effects I feel when I hit the LM with such a harsh force.

I tried to move but could not, so I pulled out from my pack a beautifully crafted assassin’s dagger I’d earlier purchased for Pallas to play around with. Thought he could use a break from his duel masters when farming and have some fun stabbing creatures and poisoning them. It seemed a good idea at the time, really it did! So I was polishing it up all pretty like to give him for later when we would rest after training, as I had every intention to go back to old Dundee as soon as I could move, and then my hand slipped and next thing I knew I had a nice little cut along the webbing between thumb and index finger. Now mind you – the cut wasn’t a big deal and I instinctively healed it over as best I could, as it is my nature to do so. Then I realized what I’d actually just done and remember that the blade I was not familiar with was coated in a type of poison … and I called to Pallas … and wow, can that man run fast!

I don’t recall wandering but I do recall wanting to get back to him. I seemingly made it as far as the portal before collapsing. I recall seeing it swirling around and then the whole room was swirling with me. I felt dizzy and I was definitely seeing things. I remember Pallas and we talked the whole time he worked on my hand. I can’t recall details of what he did or what we spoke of – but he kept me awake and somewhat alert to things. We drank an antidote. It tasted awful – and at the time I couldn’t understand why he drank some as well but having read his journal I see now that he had to re-cut open the wound and get the poison out. I guess maybe I did pass out at some point, or I was just so out of things I don’t recall him doing that – but I do now. Strange what all comes back to a person and what we tend to forget during a traumatic episode. Though I have to say – it didn’t feel all that traumatic. It felt kinda funny and weird and I do not recall ever feeling quite that off before in my life. Felt more like I was just loopier then I’d ever been … not so close to having nearly … *shivers*

He carried me to the beach. I remember the sand and a kiss … and nothing more … I love him so dearly. Again, he kept me safe and saved me from a potentially life threatening situation. He always knows what to do – he is the smartest man I know … he can do anything!

…. And I really hope he isn’t angry at me for being so daft. I am really quite embarrassed by it all. I really am a walking accident waiting to happen! I love you, Pallas. Thank you.

Now I sit at the guildhall, feeling better but still groggy and poking Despy with a Korunga Fruit just because I can. And it is fun ... I just love and adore my good pal Despy.

Ellyana

*the words here are sloppy - the ink is smudged about the page*


I want to write - but I can not se em to keep my plume to the page or my eyes open fo very long. I feel weak and disoriented and tired ... I think I wand ered away from Pall as, too ...

... maybe I can tr y later ...


Love , love .... I love you and th ank you ... agai n ......

[COLOR=lightblue]Yesterday after I read my loves words my heart was singing, and I could barely concentrate on what I was doing, and ended up at the LM quite a few times as well. I didn’t care, I was so happy. Pallas gave me exactly what I needed when I was feeling a touch down over several things going on in the lands over these last few days. I needed him and he shone through for me like the fire that shines in his eyes when he looks straight into mine and he tells me that he loves me. I see that fire and I have NO doubts.

I’d found another violet – I was sooo excited and then I remember waking up (again) in Pallas’ arms thinking it was all a dream. Especially since the violet was no where to be seen. I am starting to think old Dundee is no good for me. Whenever I go there I feel like something dark is inside of me. Thinking it over I wonder if it has anything to do with all that time ago when I touch the obeslisk and got the shock of my life. Something about old Dundee and a few other places in the land seem to make the dark energies in my blood boil and it effects me in strange ways. Though I think regarding the crystal was just yet another case of over excitement. I do not know how Pallas puts up with me sometimes, but I love him dearly for it and how he is always right there to catch me and protect me and guard me.

Well it wasn’t a dream, Pallas had tucked the violet into my pack and held me tight until I was awake and okay enough to stand. I think the shock of it all got to him as well because then he needed to rest for a time so it was a while before we finally got to the forge but I was able to make a great amulet and hand it over to my love to replace his older one. I must say – it looks fabulous on him and Im really into this whole amulet making thing now. Almost as much as I am into helping people start journals ... and give out my gifts of blessings and healings to all I can.

But now I have to mention something that happened that I did not talk to Pallas about that was troubling me a lot. As I was farming yesterday I stopped to to a look at the market and ended up speaking a bit with someone I do not know all too well, and oddly at this moment his name escapes me, but who I felt to be a somewhat wise and nice rogue – who ended up laughing at my feelings when I presented them to him. It hurt, a lot but he also showed me JUST how mindless and clueless he is … same as all the rest I have seen running about as of late. Plat, plat, plat. Gimmie plat! Or am I the one who is totally mindless and clueless and daft??

Oh Gods, I truly hope not. I was speaking about how it is so sad to see the market exchange – and the things that some people try to sell for lower prices to help out others get snagged up by someone and then greedy resold for profit. I know this has happened to me and items I’ve gone to sell and it makes me so stinking mad and it is such a shame to see this greed all over the lands when we are supposed to be helping one another. I know, I’ve said it all before, and not everyones got the same intentions - but this really upset me … a lot. He'd simply shrugged at me and he claimed that it is all about plat – and that plat is what makes the worlds go round.

Is this REALLY so true? Has it always been true? I think back to my father and the beautiful town I once lived in and though I could not always understand what I saw at the time, I watched him buy it out – everyone out … then the next town and so on and so forth … and he and Myoakka become two of the richest and most feared ‘men’ some had ever known and yet STILL I do not want … I CAN NOT believe that what he says so callously is true. I always felt that a rich man was not a man who had the largest plat bag and the most fancy material possessions and flashiest clothes. I firmly believe, and I told him this, that a rich man to me is a man who needs the least amount of material things – and a man that has found love and happiness beyond anything material. Well you know what happened then?? This person just laughed madly in my face and he told me if I truly believed that rubbish I was in for one big rude awakening. Then he walked away.
What in the N’rolav did that mean?!
*sighs*

It just makes me that much more appreciative of my beloved rogue - and that much more in need to feel his arms around me right now to reassure me that I am no just a silly girl - and that my dreams and thoughts of the world are not as daft as they have been made out to be last moon by some unknown rogue.

Though maybe I am just kidding myself ...


-----------

I've just gotten news that a friend is gone ... gone for good. I've no idea what to say or feel this moment ... I am in shock ...

[COLOR=pink]
Someone approached me last night … it was late and Id woken and just couldn’t sleep no matter how I tried. I was upset by some things so I took a walk. I wasn’t aware I was being watched or followed until I started to receive messages of a strange nature. Nothing was said in them to badly, but you know how your gut just screams “run” form someone or something? That’s exactly how these messages made me feel.

He says he loves to help a ‘damsel in distress’. A few tears on a persons cheek does not make them in distress and last I checked I thought I was doing just fine, off on my own and in my OWN thoughts. But I wasn’t - they were being invaded and I was being watched by someone I was previously warned to stay away from. Though I do not judge on words alone – my inner voice was yelling at me not to give away anything to this man and just run.

Then they claimed they knew Pallas from ‘another time’ but couldnt remember 'himself' and had all these various reasons why - and that said to me anytime Pallas wasn’t here –to call on him. Him? - he who I do not even know yet and am pretty sure will not be getting to know? It felt so wrong and it scared me so much. I told my brother – he warned me again stay FAR far away, for various reasons. *sighs* It scares me the way he spoke and the way he claimed to know my love … I just got the worst chills running through me then, and even now as I write this.

Does he know my love and have alternative motives? I feel very protective now and confused and I feel like I’m being watched and it makes me feel so freaked out – I just don’t know what to do. I’m trying to ignore it and wait for my love to wake to hold me and reassure me that everything will be okay…[/COLOR]

Something weird happened today. I heard this ..singing … and it was so bad I screamed and screamed and then I think I passed out from screaming and then I thought I was dead … saw dark and light. I had these chains on me and was floating about the guildhall and Sash and Pallas and Lucy and Kias were there, and then Pallas was with me and I don’t remember anything else!

Hhhhmmm!!!!!!

I am not feeling very well. I’ve woken, disoriented, and I do not feel much better then I did before I rested. Something I ate I guess … or the horror goop that splattered about my face and arms I may have tasted for I had a horrid taste in my mouth before I tried to rest … and I even got a bit sick to my stomach, though thankfully I was able to get into the sewers so not to bother anyone … or anyone to see me in such a way. Pallas did – it embarrasses me, too. I feel disgusting ... but so in love at the same time, and I know I am loved just as much back.

One heart - one love.

*clutches in her hand a parchment and smiles*


I think he is here beside me … I don’t know … I think I’m seeing random things and I’m so thirsty … and nothing quenches this thirst … Sleep. I need more sleep …

……………*drifts back to sleep, journal beside her and plume in hand*

[COLOR=pink]
*practices making sounds from a shell horn, given to her by a good friend before setting it aside to write, and nibbles on her gull plume*

Today Will stopped by for a quick hello. I heard stomping around down in the hall so I went to investigate and there he be, in the reception hall of KoV. Things have been much better between us and for all involved and I am happy for that, it lightens me and more so, Pallas, I know and that in itself makes me happy. We spoke for a short while and before I retreated back to the relaxation room, Will gave me the neatest thing. It’s a shell horn but with holes in it. When he showed me what they were for he made the most haunting notes I think I’ve heard in ages. At first it startled me, but I grabbed the horn back and immediately was entranced with it, wanting to go off and make my own haunting notes – but alone.

See, I am some what shy when it comes to my arts and I do not really like others to see what I draw, sometimes write and surely play when I have NO idea how to play an instrument, especially a makeshift one such as this. It’s not too complicated though and the pitches range and I must say, they are all so very haunting and a few sound so sad they might make you want to cry. I will tuck this into my pack for sure when it is not being used.

I am really loving my new home, which should very well have been my home before, but I was so lost and confused and had so many hopes and dreams that were shunned and not allowed to shine through. But that’s not the case here. Here it is filled with real love and beauty and ideas are not shunned but discussed. And not just said that they will be – but they really are! I feel a bond already with Shade, she is a most beautiful woman – inside and out, and Sash and I have always been such good friends, true friends … and of course his bond with Pallas is unbreakable. I just want to cry I feel so happy and at home with them and of course the rest of my friends and family … and my beloved. We have new prospects already, as well! Things are defiantly very good!

Random things. Hhmm… Lucy now has herself a greater glowing amulet of the order and two needed items for her quests later! I am SO proud of her!! *grins* And she has other things going on that I am so happy for but that’s not my business to discuss. Bro seems happy … Krackster … I owe him a pinch for teasing me … and Bryg. *chuckles* Dear sweet Bryg. These days it seems a day doesn’t go by that we do not tell each other how much we love the other. I am glad for it. Skye seems … somewhat back to her old self, though I have not gotten to speak to her as much as I’d like, I hope she knows how much I love her still and always. Kias ... and that dang keg! Put it down already!!

I’m up for some training, but I’ll wait for Pallas, of course. Never know where they sneaky rogue is … sneaking. So for now Ill play with these sticks and maybe try my horn out, so if you hear any strange noises emitting from high in the KoV hall, don’t be too startled. I should be okay … unless it is screaming. Then please come check on me, as I may have lost an eye trying to do this crazy thing Pallas can do that I can not even explain!! *smiles*

Love to all,

Ellyana[/COLOR]

[COLOR=violet]
Okay so I must admit that yesterday did not start out well at all for me at al,l and only got worse. Admittedly I was in a terrible mood over silly things and I really, REALLY hate when I let that happen. I mean look - I’ve got great friends and family … a truly kind and loving family and guild now and I have a love that shines greater then the moon and the stars combined, so I really need to loosen up on things which I can not control – or things I feel I could and should (not for bad reasons, mind you) but can not.

I just hate feeling responsible for hurting anyone in anyway, especially the one I'd die for, even when I’m told that’s not happened at ALL, I still feel guilty over silly things and I let that eat at me. yesterday that came out in a not so pleasant way, though was not my intentions. Then it seemed to get worse RIGHT before it got better.

But none of that matters … because a few loving and honest words later - it got a whole lot better and I spent the evening on a beach under the stars with my beloved and we had such a good time, eating, drinking some wine, laughing, swimming and just flat out goofing off. I did anyways!

I even got so brave as to say I would try some meat should he cook some up for our dinner. So being the wonderful man he is, he cut and cooked some bunny for us, but of course I could not actually eat the bunny meat when it came down to it. I am such a wuss. I did try – honestly, and it did smell oh so good but my love of nature just makes me feel so … darn guilty!! And it goes back to some deeper, unpleasant memories of being … forced …
Ugh. Again with the guilt! I must face this and shake it all … somehow.

Well them he totally blew my mind. He started eating with sticks he’d sharpened and it was in such a strange fashion that all I could do was stop eating my own soup and stare wide eyed at him. He explained it all to me of course, and ever so patiently tried to show me how but that ended with stones all about and the sticks burning in the fire he’d built. Go figure – I knew I just wouldn’t understand. His silly tricks and survival skills make me smile though – he has this dark ruggedness that I just can not help but grin about as it makes me feel excited and warm and safe because I know that no matter what or where we are he will always be able to protect me and that I have no doubt.

So… now I am going to try and practice with some gull plumes what I could not do last night, and hopefully I won’t stick myself in the eye!

Love,
Ellyana[/COLOR]

I am so happy – things have gone perfectly and it is as it should be – and probably always should have been. I love my family and I couldn’t be more grateful for such good friends as Sash and Shade who welcomed us and Pallas back with wide open arms and lots of love. I only wish we had done things differently from the start, but I was silly and had such faith in others I shouldn’t have ever trusted, but how was I to know? We live, we learn … right? Yeah …

Though I am severely annoyed about others things – almost to an obsessive point … so much that I do not even want to talk about it, or write.

I couldn’t sleep last not, not for any real length of time. I may have drifted in and out for a time – but never could reach full sleep. Not even surrounded by lavender, gentle sounds of water and my beloveds arms around me. I ventured out for a time … spoke with Will a bit. It was nice to be able to speak so friendly again and know that he cares for me and we are good again. I may have rested for a time after that, but I can’t be sure. I did however get back to my love and curl up once again into his warm, strong arms and watch him sleep. People ask me all the time if I realize how lucky I really am. I believe that I truly do. I should think I more then anyone would realize exactly what I have. I see things …emotions, feelings … so very clearly what it comes to me and Pallas and what we share. I thank the Gods daily for the union of our souls.

Today is going to be fun and exciting. I am nervous but excited for a new life and for a new chapter to open up with the people who I already love so dearly. I have no way to tell how anything will end - and that just adds to my nervous excitement, but most of us do not know how life will turn out and if we did would there really be any point to living life at all? I do not believe so. So I encourage everyone to follow your heats, I know I keep saying this but it is the best way to live and live freely. Take in the beauty around you. I know we are surrounded by such darkness and bleakness but life IS filled with so much beauty, all you need do is stop and take a look around. Live each day as if it were your last … never hold back on what you dream … love as much as you can for as long as you are alive and remember that although it is impossible to go back in time to erase the past or start a new beginning, ANYONE can live NOW to create a new ending … Let nothing or no-one stand in the way of your dreams.

Ellyana

[COLOR=violet]
It feels good helping people and even more so having encouraged more and more people in the lands to take some time and to write, and I’ve very much enjoyed helping customize their journals to look as they wish. Maybe I should go into business? It is such good fun! *smiles brightly*

I love to write – it has always been a wonderful tool for me to express all my emotions as I’ve needed though my life. Back home I used to write all the time, especially on days I was left completely alone in my room without so much as a knock on my door or a word spoken to me or a bite to eat (which as bad as it sounds, I prayed for those days) I’d wrote all day long, stories, poems, my thoughts feelings. My stories often times had a certain style about them; a choice of paths and endings type theme where I’d write an idea and there were perhaps three different paths that the story could go. Usually these were fantasies for me and what I wished for with my life – or lack of life at the time. Kind of liked how I explained I felt had Pallas and I done one tiny thing different, made one little change in a choice then ours paths might well have changed, would we still have met? He says yes – and I believe in him and our love … so I will also now say yes, where before I may never have had such hope and faith.

I think back to those stories and many, most of them were all so twisted. I hope they were all destroyed. I hope it is ALL destroyed, but only one say to find out. We will have to go see for ourselves but for now that trip has to be put on hold as we have much happier days ahead of us and many wonderful things to look forward to. [/COLOR]

Ah. So two entries in one day. Lucky you guys, huh? =)


I somehow forgot to mention as I wrote earlier that I had FINALLY found a violet crystal last night, right after Pallas ASSURED me - as I moaned and groaned to him how I’d NEVER find one, that very soon I would find one. He just knew it. As many of you know, I've tried for so very, very long and with thousands and thousands of horrors slain by my sword, I’d find nothing but the occasional blue crystal or an orange crystal, and of course the satisfaction of slaying evil from our lands.

And then there it fell …and I was so excited guess what I did? Yepp - I fainted. Right there on midnight beach, right into the sands. Pallas wasn’t too worried he says, as he said he saw no blood and the crystal slipped from my hand, so he knew what had happened. Or maybe that was a dream, I do not recall, that what I think happened anyways!

What I do recall is racing about with a blank amulet and my WP’s and totally driving Pallas insane in my excitement, and us meeting our brother Matt who insisted on being with me, and our friend Keldor at the forge. I was shaking ... I kissed Pallas and Brother Matt for luck and set my charged crystal into the correct place and viola!!! A greater glowing amulet of the order lay before me!! It is truly beautiful!!

*squeals*

[COLOR=pink]
So many memories I’d thought had long been forgotten by some …

… and a comment written to me, which I replied to, that I was not expecting proving that to be false. It makes me smile and cry at the same time. Smile because they remember all the good times – and even the beginning, and smile because they can see and obviously always have seen my strength, determination, my love and my desires, and they did not make me feel badly for any them, but they understood … understand them.

And sad because it had to come now, after all that has happened for the words to be said - sad because I never knew what they were thinking during the time we spent together, as we barely spoke a real word for so long … for my part in that, I am sorry.

Me though – I guess I see things slightly different when it comes to who or what I am. I am not really a leader or am I really a follower. I am but a listener. I am simply one who does what she believes is right from listening to her own heart. I believe that any of our visions will become so very clear to us when one only but looks deeply into their own heart ... When we look outside; it is but dreams and fantasy which we see … when we look inside those dreams and desires truly wake and become what we wish them to be, if we only listen. Just listen. Use your heart as your compass, nothing else, and you will know where to go and where you should be

He tells me:
‘With Cory's light to guide you, Ben's strength to steel you and Xia's love to warm you, there is nothing you cannot achieve’

I believe this to be true for all of us… for anyone … to all of you. With Cory's light to guide us, Ben's strength to steel us, Xia's love to warm us – and OUR hearts to guide us …that there is nothing that anyone in this world can not achieve.

Love to all,

Ellyana[/COLOR]

*writes a quick thought*

When one door closes I’ve realized here that so many others seem to open wide for you – and I am so grateful to all the love and the kindness and the trust, but how do you know what is right, and what once again will turn out to have only been a pretty and tempting illusion?

You can not know – one just needs to follow that inner voice, the gut feeling … their own heart and trust in themselves and in those they love that things will turn out to be okay.

*smiles*


[COLOR=red]@[/COLOR][COLOR=gold]>~`~[/COLOR] [COLOR=pink]To Friendship [/COLOR][COLOR=gold]~`~<[/COLOR][COLOR=red]@[/COLOR]

Ellyana

[COLOR=violet]

Shaken hearts and cold breaths from the ones who spoke of love and friendship … to take what they want and need from others only to turn away on when they grow too busy or simply too bored and have what they need - without a care or thought for who they hurt …shame. It saddens me greatly to see so much of this within our lands, but when it hits so 'close to home' then the pain is far greater - as is the shock of the loss and the disappointment and the let down from those you trusted and called your friend and family, those whom you believed in, sometimes against your better judgments.

Sad it makes me when those who call what is everyone's their 'own' - and hurtful are those who will crush a bright and growing flower simply because it tilts and sways slightly through the breeze in a direction just a little bit different then what they exactly wanted, rather then let it thrive and live in its own special way – they kill it. There is an old saying that if you truly love something then you would not wish it harm and you will set it free. Not kill it, not destroy it, and not tear it to pieces in possession or vanity, or whatever else the reasons.

If one truly loves something they will do what is right and allow it to live rather then see it destroyed, but here there is obviously no love lost and no trust and so we walk away and as painful as it is, we let what was loved live on rather then be part of the demise which it may face. There is nothing else that can be done. And to think – the same people had to audacity to make me feel so guilty for using a cleric (on my own special and very private bonding day) who Pallas and I felt was more a friend and family to us in heart then simply someone we ‘co existed’ with inside the guild. Talk about hurt feelings and manipulative guilt. It is a weight off my shoulders already in a sense, painful as it is …

I can not help but feel inside that much of what happened was all for naught, all but a game - a twisted irrational game that had no way of winning from the beginning and in time others who have not yet walked away may do so …and thus it will end - and it will leave many hearts heavy and many lives changed. Words are so shallow which is why I didn’t listen to them before - but actions scream truths. There are reasons that so many of past have already walked away through our time together, and choosing to be blind to those reasons does not make them any less reasons as I now am living with, and for what is left to survive those issues MUST be faced rather then turn a blind and ignorant eye – and I am just as guilty of that. We have all been deemed 'incapable' of continuing on … unless those of us that were told to leave left, so what else is there to do?

I have had a bitter laugh at this as well, and we know it is said in spite but also in protection of what is loved as well - because there are several capable of allowing the flower to blossom and live on then from the hands it had once been planted from rather then destroy it - but that is not the point. It is seemingly not ours to decide its fate, but her own … and that wish I can and shall respect.

What it comes down to is we simply were not wanted. Our enthusiasm … my enthusiasm too strong and no longer appreciated. Our visions through similar supposedly no longer the same -a threat of sorts … and I feel that what she says is right. Two strong willed, smart and stubborn women with vivid dreams she has proven in our little world simply could not co-exist. However, I do not believe this HAS to be true - as it depends on the stability of those people and the strength and the TRUE reasons behind what they do/don’t do … say/do not say. Every puzzle has many pieces and there is much more to all of this but what is done is done and what is said has been said and we will carry on in our own ways.

Some are gone already … and I will walk away hand in hand with my love as soon as I possibly can, and still we will be with the ones who truly matter - who have proven themselves without a doubt to be loyal, loving and trusted friends. That is what makes a family a family … not the bricks and dirt holding a building of sorts together, not words but the people inside that place and the love and the fun and the dreams that they share and the actions shown.

I’ve vented my feelings and I’ve said my piece for now and I wish no harm to anyone nor have I ever aside from Myoakka and my father. Can you blame me for what they have done to me in my past? I wish the best to those of past I called guild family who will remain; they will always have a piece of my heart, for they were a part of me for so long and not all was always so bad. I wish them peace and love and success in all they continue to do because that is what we ALL are fighting for - regardless of guild, regardless of friendships, regardless of professions, regardless of where we came from before…or who we know … and regardless of the melodrama - in the end we still all want the same things inside these lands and if we do not, then we have no business being here at all.

Deeply saddened but on a path of love and hope,

Ellyana[/COLOR]

-Thought of the Day-


Selfishness, coldness and greed – hypocrisy and lies, but none of that will stop those who truly are friends and are family in these lands. None can take away that love, not any lies or anyone’s trash - try as they might, true friends will still be. Everywhere I've ever gone - from my home and all my running into this land, I see people always talking and pointing fingers, while their own fingers are tainted in blood and lies. They tell bold face lies to make themselves look and feel better, because I suppose that for some reason it makes them feel good to hurt others due to their own inadequacy. Maybe they are fighting on the wrong side here and for the wrong causes or maybe it's as simple as a misunderstanding, though sadly those reasons matter very little when one is set on hurting another human being.

*sighs gently*

Ironically - no matter what, the words and bitterness will always gets back, the truth that is, and karma, so I say let them - it makes no difference and in the end there are only so few things which truly matter in life. We much embrace them and hold them ever so tightly.

We may at times regret not listening back when we should have to those inner and outspoken warnings, possibly trusting in something we should not have, but what can we do? I for one am not the kind of girl to lash a sharp tongue or to believe in words spoken without substance or seeing with my own eyes, and I do not make a call without having my own experiences. I wish more people were the same, unless I am the one doing something wrong and need to grow some horns!

and as a good friend just said to me -"Some people are just wrought with venom"

So true ...

Thus we grow and and we learn ....

... or we sit around bitter and spiteful.


Peace to all,

Ellyana

‘One heart, one soul – one life…’

...one love...

smiles and glances at her polished ring as she writes

Often in these darkened and rushed days of our lives which are filled with so much danger and uncertainty and heartaches, death and constant fights to protect our lands, our fellow man and to serve our Gods, we get so caught up in it all that we forget to see the wonders in what we have that is a true blessing - the loves and the friendships that are so dear to us and critical to the growth of our lives. But sometimes - once in a purple moon, in the middle of the mundane, or during the hassles and the pains and the issues and the struggles of our daily lives … our past lives … true love breathes ever so gently and dances upon our necks (or hits us right smack in the head!) and gives us the opportunity at a fairy tale - and if we are lucky enough to understand and hold tightly onto what has aroused a flame inside us, it can truly be magical.

[COLOR=pink]Too often we are bemused and ignorant in our lives - before I understood and found love, everyday was just painful - with stones thrown at me and I could do nothing to stop them, and the pile of ugly black stones grew around me, trying to bury me alive, douse out my fire … crush my body to broken pieces. I may have gotten away from it, but I was so lost a girl and because of Pallas and what all he has shown to me, and done for me … I could dream again … and in these dreams I now can change those painful and ugly black stones into beautiful fragrant, blooming flowers, or fuzzy colorful butterflies, or into strong, glowing dragonflies with delicate and powerful wings lit up brightly to guide him anywhere he wishes to fly! To guide the path for me and my love![/COLOR]

You see, there is a kind of magic in such a deep spirited soulmate love and to find that magic and to open our hearts wide up to another - it can leave you breathless, excited … frightened and in anticipation of anything next to come! But I can tell you for sure that it more then makes up for all the times in which life had treated us unfairly worth it, for my prince had finally come and he had rescued me! We loved and we bonded heart and soul, body and spirit - and now we have now privately bonded in name and ceremony and I KNOW we will live happily in that love forever after. If that is not a fairy tale then I do not know what is.

[COLOR=pink]See, we believed in that love … that magic - a key factor to a love withstanding anything, and through all the trials and the obstacles placed before us from the people of the lands, the dangers of the lands … from ourselves, our pasts … whatever … we have endured. And it is because of that endurance of our love that we have kept in our hearts and souls so much wonder and beauty has happened, and so much strength … and a solid, unbreakable bond between us had grown. It still amazes me to this day what our loves has persevered through. It also dizzies me to think sometimes that all that has brought us together - all that we are might never have been had the slightest change along either of our paths waived ever so slightly and stopped us from ever even meeting. My life would not be … out life would not be.[/COLOR]

We love and we accept one another for who we are and we’ve helped each other to heal and to grow and we live each day to share the future of the next day together; be it joy or sorrow, color or grey, easy or rough, dark or light - our love will see us through, hand in hand. From the moment I met Pallas it has been a fairy tale for me - a unique and exciting one, and I may be silly for thinking so … but then I’m proud to be a silly girl. I see the fleeting and false love through these lands and I often wonder if anyone else has ever really had a love quite like this. I know how blessed we are … how true we are …

And so we finally did it…….

gently runs her fingers across a purple ribbon tied to her left wrist


[COLOR=pink] Though bonded for so long in our hearts and our souls - Pallas and I finally bonded in name, and we gave to each other a new gift that will last us a lifetime and beyond. It was perfect, magical and private, just as I wished, under the moon and the stars at the rose bushes upon the hill overlooking the magnificent vast ocean below. Quietly, with Sashton as our cleric and good friend, and a handful of our dearest friends and family, we did what so many already assumed my beloved and I had long ago done … we bonded through ceremony. And it was so beautiful – and filled with such magic and love that there was not a dry eye under those stars, lest of all my own eyes. [/COLOR]

As I write this, a packaged has arrived for me. The gifts from our few dearest friends have been so loving and so heartfelt and sweet. We thank you all for the support and love that you have always given to us and for making our special day that much more special for us, and we will never forget your kindness. It is an extra special gift to know that those close can see how Pallas and I have loved one another from the beginning and that we own one another’s hearts and souls and have made one heart and soul, and that we love and cherish one another - and none other in that quite so spectacular way.

[COLOR=pink]I’ve written here often about love and what is love … and to simplify all my words of past I will sum it up with something I’ve said to Pallas before in the past and will say again in the future, that is all I need to ever say, that says everything …

“Love is you and me and that is all I see … “

My everlasting love,

Ellyana[/COLOR]

[COLOR=pink]
Pallas trained, and he is so close to his goal that even I can taste it. Soon, he will get there and I should hope that he will be happy with achieving another goal he has set for himself. I love his heart and his ambition - his drive. It excites me to see such drive in him and how when he wants something, he stops at nothing to get it. Oh, he may get delayed and held back at times - and he always stops to deal with anything and everything that comes up, he never stops and never gives up on what it is he wishes to accomplish, and he always strives to keep going forward, and that is just one more thing to add to the list of what I love so much about that rogue.

I've sposored another. His name is Sinder Teppic and I know he will make me proud. He has alot of ambition and determination and I know he will become a marvelous cleric. I wish him much warmth and happiness and I look forward to watching him grow as he trains and learns new spells. Peace be with you, my friend and may your days be filled with much kindness and happiness. Though you will be weary, always remember that love and compassion is what drives us on our chosen path, and it is our duty to do what we can for anyone in need - drained as we become, we have to keep going.

It is often what seem to be the simplest, little things that carry the deepest and most heartfelt kindnesses, and the seemingly smallest of gestures that can be so big and meaningful to someone. Kindness, it is a gift and a language that all can see and all can understand. Something to make one person happy can mean giving up something you’ve too long held onto, letting go of something that needs letting go of, but until the time was right, there was not a reason seen, even if there was reason – just that reason had not yet been seen until fate declared it be so.

I hold in a small pouch, which rests in my lap, the tiniest purple paper roses. They may seem like nothing, but to someone else they were what seemed to be at one time a symbol of loss and pain, but now they are a symbol of letting go - and for me they are a symbol of love and hope and kindness, and I plan to string one rose onto a single ribbon for me, and a rose on a single ribbon for Pallas - the reasons not need be know, but my ‘quiet friend of the night’ I thank you for the treasure that you have bestowed to me and my love, and I truly hope that you see just how special spending time with you was for me, and how great your gift truly is. Thank you for listening to a girl you hardly know, who sat curled up in an inn resting with her sleeping love.

There is no greater loan that one can give to another then an ear and she gave me that, hardly knowing me. She saw a fierce love just by looking at me and Pallas. It makes my heart warm to know that the bond we share glows so bright others can see the love shared, and feel over come with it. I know it takes my own breath away at times. I’d like to think that in some small way, I was of some use to her as well … and I pray the Gods are with her.

Something happens so unexpectedly and out of the blue, are over in moments, but you KNOW that the memories will stay with you for a lifetime. I will never forget that night and the short time that I spent with her. There is a saying I’ve always liked that my mother used to say to me so very long ago when I was young. She told me that a trace of fragrance always lingers on the hands that give the roses. I have always loved it, and tried to live my life by it, and I feel it couldn’t be more fitting for me to think of right now as I write. It brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye to think of my mother right now, and her wise words.

Thank you, my quiet friend of the night … may peace be with you always.

Warmth and love,[/COLOR]

Ellyana

[COLOR=red]Pain[/COLOR]. It comes in all types, does it not? Physical, emotional, spiritual, mental … and even knowing the why, how and what when we receive pain, it is still such a mystery to most of us. It has such a taunting element of darkness and blankness to it and uniqueness to each living being. There is an almost unending nothingness to pain that can suck the life from a person so easily should they let it. One type of pain can lead to all other types, especially when that pain is chronic and oh so relentless and consuming ... and it is physical, mental and emotional all feeding on you at the same time.

[COLOR=red]Pain[/COLOR]. It can hit at anytime and carry on for a lifetime if we let it, but not all types of pain a person feels is something in which they can control or stop. Sometimes, though I know the sources of course, I find myself thinking how I can not even recall where and when it all began for me - or if there has ever been a time in my young life where there was no pain of sorts. Why then do we not become totally and completely numb to the pains and hurts that we feel? We try, but try as we might, that is not something we can ever totally achieve, unless we cease to be human … or to live.

[COLOR=red]Pain[/COLOR]. It has no past but its own entity and our memories and scars. It has no present but what it continues to push on a person and it has no future but itself. I have realized in my lifetime that pain is infinite … and an enigma wrapped tightly within itself and around its prey - and it is all consuming. It can even become pleasure to some – a rush of sorts, an adrenaline kick that makes us stronger the more it hurts. I’ve done this myself as a defense, I’ve had to or how else would I be alive to write this today? Take something bad and painful and try and turn it into something that you want to believe feels good – something that the more it bites the more you bleed the more alive you are! Growing up as I did, I was forced to learn a lot of things, and changing pain was a vital key to my own survival.

I know just how fragile I look and can be, and have become shouldering so much that I feel I may break at times, but I also know better then anyone else in this world JUST how strong I am, and have been … had to be. Physically pain so many times has sent me spiraling down into darkness, but somehow I’ve woken each time. Another defense which I can not control, though I wish I could. When the pain is too much to take for whatever reasons, the body turns off and you slip away for a time, unaware of anything at all. With Pallas to catch me when I fall and hold me close and protect me, I know I will wake again but before …

I woke only because they let me live AND because I (most days) had a will to live. No – I had a will to win! A fire that burned deep and fierce inside to show them that I, Ellyana Lilli, could not be destroyed - try as they might and oh how they tried. Some of these things I could never say out loud, as they are the wrong things and not things you want to have learned, but are forced to learn. The will to fight for my own right was strong enough and we do what we must to survive when we have nothing else but our own feral instincts to guide us.


[COLOR=red]Pain[/COLOR]. What is it good for? Is pain a bad thing? I do not think it always has to be, and after all I’ve endured in my life, that’s saying a lot. Ignored truths and painful memories of the past and experiences that hurt us, when swept away and pushed from our minds and memory can have just as devastating effects as living the pain itself – worse even. Trying to forget physical pains can sometimes create far worse emotional pains on top of that physical pain. Then that physical pain becomes mental pain and suddenly the pain is triple intense and becomes that much harder to break from, or at the very least crawl away from alive. I know this from my own experiences.

Sometimes it is good to embrace the pain, as it reminds us that we are alive and at times it can help us see more clearly the things that are not good for us; it can help us with decisions that are sometimes hard to make – and sometimes it can save us. Or it can have the reverse effect. Sometimes, it is too confusing to think clearly, the darkness starts to take over and we collapse into it - and then we need someone to help us … to save us.

No matter what has been done to us, by us, who has hurt us, who we have hurt - at the end of the day one still must face themselves … and that can sometimes be the most painful part of all.

And to think … all of this has stemmed because I was attacked by three roving horrors at once last moon in N'rolav. I couldn’t run and I attacked back and they all jumped me at the same time, pushing and yanking me in different directions. They messed me up so bad that my shoulder was dislocated in the attack which I did end up winning and surviving. Within seconds Pallas, my darling sweet and loving rogue was right there at my side - as ever my light and my savior - to put me back together. I remember the pain, then the darkness took me … and I remember waking in his arms, safe and sound as one can be in the evil side of the N’rolav Midnight beach. Maybe he will tell more, as that is all I remember. Pallas my darling, I love you.

Good thing it was my right arm that was dislocated or I’d not have been able to write and I really needed to get this out of my system. Also, I'd like to say that my friend Lucas is a star. Good luck Lucas in your choosen path as a cleric and I was honored to sponsor you. Remember my words in the temple, my friend, and I look forward to seeing you in the family very soon. If you need anything, you let me know.

With deep love,

Ellyana

[COLOR=violet]*reads a message and smiles gently, tucking it into her journal with her other treasured notes, and a note that has also left her troubled*

One of my dearest friends has left it seems. *sighs sadly* I love her and I will miss her and I understand her and her needs. She best return soon ...

I missed my love the other day but from the note I’ve received it seems that he had some business elsewhere. He had a friend who was in need of his advice, he tells me. I truly do hope that friend of his knows just how lucky they are to have such a wonderful, loyal and true friend. Though if they were calling upon him, then I can almost certainly believe that person knows – and is very grateful. Funny, was it not my last entry I spoke of shared love and dear friendships and just how special they are? I believe it was … *smiles*

I hope to see him today. Each day these last few I feel more and more nervous and more and more ready to burst into bits! Happy bits, nervous bits, scared bits … filled with love bits!

Im so nervous I can barely write at the moment so please excuse the horrible handwriting. I think instead of trying to write for now, I’ll go try and kill some guardians in the desert. Ill write more later … maybe, and Pallas, should you return again and read this, please come and find me …

XxEllyanaxX [/COLOR]

[COLOR=pink]What can I say, Sash is the man! He is one of the nicest people I know and a good friend to me and more importantly even he is a great friend to Pallas. Seeing how close Sash and Pallas are and have always been, it makes me smile ever so silly and bright! It is always good to know that even though you do not see your best of friends as much as you would like, for whatever reasons, that the bond is still so strong and the care and loyalties are un-wavered. And that they love you effortlessly and unconditionally still. That is real love.

That is how you always know who your truest and closest friends. The ones who love you always for you … no matter what and they always will. They understand you and respect you and your emotions. Time will not fade that, time can not change that - and try as it might, time is powerless against such bonds. To those of you I share that bond with, I thank you and I love you. To those who do not understand or know what I mean, I pray that you will one day find such friends. They could be right under your nose, only you just can not see, or will not see. I used to be that way and I regret every moment I wasted not believing and not accepting that I had such love and such friends.

Lately, I have really been able to see where I really came from, what I really was and who I am now. It takes my breath sometimes, but it is not in a bad way, and it is all thanks to love. Pure, true, unconditional and heartfelt love. And that love let me dream again - and all good things start as a dream, dont they? The past can not be changed but the future must be faced right?? And with Pallas' hand in mine and the support of those I love, then I can do just that - even if I have to face the past again first to reach that future I see for mysdelf and for my love. That future that is in our power to be what we want it to be, and by Gods, it will be!!

When you reach out to a stranger, out of the goodness of your heart to someone in need, you never really know how your life could change from it… or how their life could change … but from both sides I know for a fact that it is a risk well worth taking.

Thank you and much love,

Xx Ellyana[/COLOR]

[COLOR=violet]Have NO idea what has set me off, but something has!! I think it was a dream, a fantastic dream I wish I’d not waken from, but I can not mention it here. *laughs a bit to herself*

But it was good. Very, very good!

Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths …

Not too deep though, then I get dizzier!

Okay. I really need to speak with Pallas … and Sash … and Lucy and my brother Matt. If they can great, if not, fine - one way or the other I have to do this, do it quietly and un noticed and more important still - I need … we need to do this before I completely freak out and NEVER do it. I do not know how he has put up with me and been so darn patient with me in all this time we have been together, but I thank him and love him to pieces for it. In my heart and soul, we have always been one.

I told him that I wished him to go with me, when I finally do go for a bit, and I could see the relief in his face and his eyes. As selfish as I said I feel, I DO want him with me and I always did want him by my side, his hand to hold mine and for him to comfort me, for I have no idea what will happen when we get there or what we will see. Whatever it is we can face it together, and that’s what I want. I am not daft, either. As much as I want him beside me, I also know that I need him beside me, and his excellent skills - it is that simple. Without him, I have much less a chance of even reaching my destination and we remember what happened last time I ran off in search of him, on my own …

Oh, so many things … so much brain power … I can not process it all yet I can not stop thinking about everything!!!

**finds one of Kias’ paper bags and spends most of the day breathing into it**[/COLOR]

[COLOR=pink]I’ve spent the last day or so resting. I’ve not moved from my spot and now I still have little desire to move. My head is throbbing and my body feels sore – but today I must do something. Farm a bit, train with Pallas; I have to get out of this funk before I get in to deeply. Plus I absolutely hate bringing Pallas down, and knowing that he tries so hard to help, and that he feels like he can not at time, that really gets to me. I wish he would realize that is the furthest thing from true. He always helps me, even by the smallest things. I really am blessed to have such a wonderful person in my life – always there for me, always thinking of me, always looking out for me and wanting the best for me. It is truly amazing to me that such a person does exist.

Just writing that about my love makes me feel somewhat brighter and in better spirits. These days my mind is weighted down by many things, but I’ve already mentioned most of them, and there is no reason to go into it all again. It is very tiring for me to do so. I will say this though – when I do travel away for a time, I know in my heart I can not see myself doing so without my love right beside me. Is that selfish? I worry for him, what we might find, what he could be getting himself into and that’s what makes me think I need to go alone but I just can not see that happening. It would feel as if half of me has gone missing, a huge part of me would be gone and can I deal with that? Can I survive without that part of me? Especially knowing where I am going and having NO idea what I will see once I get there? If I even get there? Am I selfish? I feel so selfish …

Will feels partly responsible for all of this, for the trip Ill take, for the new nightmares and how badly I feel. In a sense he is, but not in a bad way, for I know his intentions were not to hurt me but to warn me. He also knew from the time we met Id one day have to go back – he just didn’t think it would be so soon. Now … maybe he hoped it would be never, but anyone who knows me well enough knew one day I would have to take this journey back. Back … am I going backwards? I may be but sometimes we have to go back a bit before we can fully move forward. At least that’s how things have always seemed to turn out for me.

Will says he will come with me, us – but he knows how I feel and all I can ask is that he respects the fact that I do not want him to follow me in anyway. I need to do this … Pallas and I need to do this, and do this alone. I know as a friend who cares, I truly hope that he will respect my wishes.

I am tired now from this writing, so back to sleep for me. Love, I miss you … find me when you return.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=violet]It’s been decided, I am going … home. Home to Brighttree, home to where I was born, and home to where I was … raised and mistreated, to say it lightly. I need to know for sure - I need to see with my own eyes that things are really over and that the place is destroyed and they are really and truly dead. Pallas is right. In my heart I know that it is true. Tam came through for me, I saw messages from him brought to me in a most divine nature and he also came to Pallas in a dream. That HAS to be real – that all can not be imagined, can it? It isn’t a trick to draw us in, right?

But in my head … therein lies the real problems for me. I need to see it with my own eyes, I have to, it is the only way I will be able to put it behind me. Sure the memories and nightmares will be with me on and off through my life – but if I can physically see that it is all gone, they are gone then I believe I can easier handle them when they crop up and disturb my life - our lives. And disturb our lives they have done. I feel terrible for the way this affects Pallas each time. I do not know any other way – and Pallas backs me up and is, of course, going with me.

But … as much as I want him with me, I fear for him and for myself – but mainly for him. What if …? Should I go alone??? Would he understand?? If they live we have no chance and I would never want to be responsible for what could happen to my love. They are not human – they traded their souls so very long ago and became evil and lifeless beings and any humanity they may have once had has been long gone. Despite all we have faced together and triumphed over, I know if they are alive, we will never walk away from them. In which case, before we go – we have finally decided on … something we should do. Something private and special – and only for us. Something I should have agreed to long ago, but I was/am daft and stubborn … and scared and oh so confused.

Last night I was able to sleep, I didn’t wake that I know of, and the dreams though bad were tolerable. They were also mixed with good things. One moment I saw the domineering house, then the room … the cage I was locked in for so many years. I heard their voices, I heard cries – my own and those from deeper down in the pits of the house that they tortured to death. I also saw a beautiful green garden and I heard soothing and loving voices I’d never heard before speak gently to me and Pallas. I saw rotted corpses scattering the loooong and dark path leading to the house which stands/stood? alone on the hill, dominating and overlooking the town below. I could smell the stink of the corpses mixed with the murk of the moat around the house.

And…in a different moment, I saw Tam. He was didn’t look happy or sad – he looked, in between. He fluffed my hair and sighed softly at me, and then he was just … gone. I am not sure what any of it means. I do not feel good or bad from these dreams, just somewhat chilly on the inside numbed on the outside – or is it visa versa, and very confused.

Pallas promised if any parts still stand when we find our way, we can destroy what is left of it. I fear the whole town itself would be left in shattered and burnt ruins now, as they had over taken it all, as I’ve mentioned before, so long ago - made it their own and most that were able to flee, fled before things got so horrible but many stayed and those unlucky ones became pawns and minions – playthings to Myoakka and my father, in which case I should hope they are all dead and gone as well. I feel cold inside when I think of all. Sometimes I feel my heart stops beating at the thought of seeing that place again, so how will I react to actually seeing it all? To being there, stepping foot into those lands again? I need to do this, but will it do me good or do me worse? That I do not know, but I do know without a doubt, I need to go … even if I do doubt the outcome, and I … we?? Need to go soon. Not rushed soon, but soon …

I hope Pallas knows what he is really getting into and that he truly wants to go with me. I know this sounds terrible, but I almost wish he didn’t … I can barely think to see it all again, to be there again ... how will he feel to see what I see, live what I’ve lived, to really know what I know – to smell the source of all my hurt and fears ...everytihng ... to walk that soil … destroyed or not … it is going to be very hard for us both either way it goes down.

Gods guidance ... I pray for Gods guidance ...[/COLOR]

[COLOR=violet]I really hate knowing that who I am, and just being myself is just is not good enough for some people. I try and I try – and it took me so long to get to where I am that it is hurtful to think I am worthless as I am made to sometimes feel. Those close to me know where I have come from; they helped me through it all. There are few still here that cared so much back then and they still do now. You all have helped me open up – helped change me and move me on into a REAL life and away from my past that so relentlessly haunts me. Pallas more then anyone or anything, and I owe you my life, many times over.

Pallas remembers. Lucy remembers. Will remembers … to name a few so close to me. Remember when you first met me and I first showed up in these lands? Remember what I was then – who I was then and how I was then? How lost and scared and untrusting I was? How hidden I was within myself and how consumed by my past – how it almost devoured me and my very soul? And the nightmares ... the vicious, frightening nightmares that were so real I'd taste the blood when I woke.

Something’s haven’t changed, though. I am still as curious now as then, still ready to jump into an abyss with out a second thought, I still have nightmares when something inside me is roused, I am still ready at an instant to laugh or to cry or to speak my mind and stamp my foot when you anger or upset me – but I am also still just as loyal to those very few I really love. I am truly sorry if I’ve not been a good friend back and shown that to any of you. I know that you all remember, you all had to deal with that beaten down, scarred, insecure scared young woman who had trouble letting anyone inside, and in a way you all still do to this day. How anyone puts up with me is beyond me ... but I thank you for not giving up on me no matter what has happened.

Though we fall out at times - I have not forgotten, though we fight – I have not ever forgotten anything ANY of you have done for me from my first days here up until this precise moment as I write in my journal; and I love you all so much, just very differently. You have all taken me for what and who I am, faults and mistakes and all.

Skyls, Skylark, Kias, Bryg and Lug, the smiles ... and the gifts of your laughter and friendshio. Always there when I need them the most. Thank you, all of you.

Lucy - you are my best friend and you always take special care of me - you get me, and everyday you make me laugh. I love you sweetie and I always will be here for you. I promise you that.

Matt - what can I say. I've never had a brother before and I could not be more honrored to have you there watching out for me. I love you, brother and I hope you know how much.

Will - you are my mentor and my teacher and have long been a very good friend to me (despite some ups and downs we have had) for so long that I do not like to think about whats been happening to us or why. It just all feels so darn wrong. Though our times lately have been as rough as an angry sea's crashing waves, I’ve not stopped caring for you or missing the man that I used to know, the friend who I could confide in and trust to be there for me. The person I always thought before accepted me for who I am - faults and all, and I do really hope that we can contently find that again someday. I miss my friend.

And Pallas - I love you more then any words can say and I always will. You are my light, my rock,my savior, my dream, my beloved and I would die a thousand deaths over for you, and i'd relive everything from the past again and again if it brought me back to you.

I do know that there is no pleasing everyone, but I just want my friends to be happy and for me to be happy and to feel peace and love. I need that inner peace or I will fall back into my past. Hurt no one - do as ye will. I’ve always tried to live by that, despite the life I lived before, despite the bad blood that flows in my veins. I just feel that no matter what I do, I hurt someone and someone’s not happy, and that makes me feel terribly worthless. For that, I am truly sorry; I am sorry to you all for anything I’ve done, or not done to hurt you. All I have to give is myself, and trust me when I say I know that is not much and it makes me feel that much worse to know I can not even give that right.

It’s never been my intention to hurt anyone I love, but I love Pallas and I love to spend every moment he is in these lands with him. I simply love him. My truest friends respect that and they understand that. I break myself daily running through these lands at each and every call, stopping what I am doing so many times a day to help another to aid another – draining myself near collapse. When Pallas wakes my eyes light up with all the love inside my soul, my heart feels on fire and with him is where I wish to be. With him is where I feel the happiest. With him is where I feel the safest I’ve ever felt in all my life and with Pallas is where I belong. He is my one and only true love and I will never let that go. Not ever, not for one second not for anyone or for anything. I would be no where else – I will be no where else.

I ask you my dearest friends that if you truly love me, please be happy for me! I am so very blessed to have come so far and to feel the feelings I feel - and to receive the unconditional love in which he gives so freely to me. I am truly blessed for I never, ever, as I sat in my room – that cage which was my home, all those nights for all those years bleeding and hurt and in pain and tears, thought that I could ever be so lucky to receive such love or to feel such love for another. It is that love that allows me to be the person that I am, and it is that love that allowed me to break free from the downward spiral I was surely headed in, it was only a matter of time. It was that love which freed me. Thank you.

No more tears please, no more fighting, no more suffering … just love and friendship … thats what I need ...

Much love to you all - those friends I've mentioned here and those I have not. I love you.

Xx Ellyana xX[/COLOR]